A Final Word

I think that writing these pages has helped me to learn more about myself. I never realized how much expressing internal thoughts into words can really help you to better understand yourself. I have learned that in order to ventilate, you have got to let it out. People, especially fellow students, do not like to hear all of your complaints. Everyone has got enough of their own stresses to not have to deal with yours as well. Journaling is a great way to get bothering thoughts out of your head so they do not just sitting there. It has also reminded me though that giving my worries, fear, and even ambitions to God through prayer and conversation with him, I can find greater peace in my life.

Journaling has restored confidence in myself and allowed me to grasp more troubling concepts. Putting your dreams, your observances, and your fears into words allows them to become more real so that you can continue to either reach them, dig deeper into them or overcome them.

This class has made me a lot more comfortable about my future. "What am I going to do with my life?" has become a more exciting question and less of a troubling one. I have realized that I do not have to have one answer to that. I have accepted that I am allowed to have more than one dream. It all depends on where the opportunities in my life present themselves and my drive to pursue them. There does not have to be and really should not be a set path in today's careers. Innovation is constantly changing our scopes of focus and if we fail to see take those turns in the scope, than we certainly will limit ourselves. We will not only we limiting ourselves, but will be putting boundaries on our field. It is an integration of field of study and ingenuity that will put creativity into an awesome new functionality. Jane Detter is absolutely correct in saying that creativity is becoming the language of today's job force. If we do not think outside of the box, than other countries will move into our box.

It is incredibly important for business people not only to catch sparks of creative energy within their own companies, but to acknowledge innovation in other fields such as science, computers, communication, health ect. Recognizing and contributing to those fields will be essential to the mobility of our economy.

Creativity and Innovation make the world go round. Think and listen. Respect the world around you. Take risks. Ask the Lord for his help. Love and be loved. Be happy and smile. That is all there is to it.

Energy (or lack thereof)

I really feel that the amount of sleep you get affects how you see the world day to day. Without having enough energy, we miss out on the details of life because all of our energy seems to be more narrowly focused (get the job done and get to bed, that is all our bodies are saying).

That is why sleep is so important to me, becuase I know how wonderful it is to enjoy the simple things in life, listen to bird chirping and stop to smell the flowers. Also with energy, you are able to formulate more creative ideas because your mind wants to think outside of the box and not just "get things done."

College definitely makes you gain an appreciation for sleep. I will never take sleep for granted again.

Time Flies

I do not know how it got to this point in the semester. How is my car already covered in pollen, how are my eyes already swelling up, how am I already preparing for finals, and finalizing summer plans? How is it that so many of my friends will be graduating in a few weeks and I do not know when I will see them again? Time baffles me. How does it seem that a place in time is so far away and then it comes and you wonder where all of that time behind you went. I look at these group projects of ours as an example. We had ample time to work on them, to figure out when our schedules would work, yet somehow it is not done. I hate to procrastinate. I get so frustrated when people will not give up a little bit of time because they think they are already too busy. Maybe they are busy, but if they keep being busy then they time they could be doing other things, like spending time with people, building relationships, is lost. I realize that we (esp. at Wake Forest) everyone can use the busy excuse every once in a while, but when we keep backing down on our responsibilities, our relationships, that is when we need to reevaluate.

I pray to God all of the time to help me to prioritize according to his plans for me because honestly that is all that matters in life. He will guide you and lead you where you are supposed to be, sometimes we forget that by trusting God life can be a lot easier. We do not need to worry about the future or the past, but just need to live in the moment and let God guide us. This does not mean that time will not fly by trusting in the Lord, but it will help us to live in the moment.

That way we will not get so caught up in the goal, but will learn to enjoy the ride.

It is when people are driven by their temptations that we go off course from the path that God has laid out for us. It not only affects yourself, but it also affects people in your environment. For instance, if you go off drinking and having fun after bailing on your group for a project saying that you have no time, then you are not only going to be hurting yourself, but also your group. They will probably have to make up for the work that you did not do. You may even end up convincing them that it is alright to put the project off. That leaves the rest of the group cooking for 3 hours in the middle of the night when they learn that this unreliable girl is wrong!

Thus I learn that time flies especially when you do not want it to. I would have loved to go to sleep when I was first in bed at 11:30, starting to write this blog, but now I have a bunch more soup in my fridge and my stomach is very full from sampling everything 3 hours later and I am finally back in bed. I do not even stay up this late on weekends, my group better appreciate this.

Life is Blind

It is sometimes very troubling not knowing what is coming next. When are we going to fail or succeed? When are we going to be scared or excited? When are we going to feel love or remorse? When are we really being blind to the obvious?

Only God knows. We must be patient and trust that the path he has laid out for us is exactly where we need to be. How do we follow that path? Follow the Lord. How? Pray, believe, love yourself, love your neighbor, love God.

That easy? Nope. It is not easy being blind but faith is blind. Work with it. Struggle.

Inspired

I have been meaning to write on my blog for a while now, I do not know why I keep putting it off of my list. I just have not felt particularly inspired of what to write about. Tonight, however, I was inspired. I was inspired by all of the other entrepreneurs at the Reward's Ceremony tonight. Hearing about what my peers are doing makes me realize I have that drive too. I know I do, but recently it has not been coming out. I think I have been kind of holding myself back for a while. My first semester freshman year I was really getting involved in so many great things, then I joined a sorority and kind of forgot about a lot of those things and got involved in other great things. I do miss the Entrepreneurship Society that I used to be involved in and I miss some of the other things that I started to get involved in too. I think that I need to re-evaluate what I need to give my time to for my future.

I need to feel the excitement that I used to feel with my jewelry business again and maybe for another venture too. I just keep putting it aside when really it is something I am very passionate about and I want to see where I can take it and take opportunities up that are presented to me like so many of the students at the rewards banquet tonight have.

I decided that I need to be more in touch with the other entrepreneurs on campus because I can see that we all have this energy toward our ventures that is very inspiring. Maybe I should start to go to E-society again and suggest peer groups to share ideas within smaller groups and help each other. I am already eating with a fellow entrepreneur tomorrow for lunch to get me excited to make some moves with my business.

Every Step, Every Breath

How should we count the moments in our lives? Is there really a measure of time when it comes to living? Minutes and hours and days.. they fly by before our eyes. But time is only a perception, is one persons day really longer if there is more meaning to it? Should moments be counted in the amount of "stuff" we check off of our lists or by the amount of people we talk to or by the time we have wasted in our days? Can moments even be qualified?

I think our lives should only be measured by the experiences we have with each step. Instead of measuring moments in the amount of time it takes for moments to pass, to simply come and go, maybe it is time to start to let go of the factor of time and take each step with every breath and simply live. To live in our world without time... maybe that could be less stressful.

What really matters... family

Lately I have really been thinking about how truly important my family is to me. With such a wonderful family who supports me and loves me and laughs with me and at me, how can I ever feel lonely or unsatisfied? My parents are two of my best friends and even though my brother is mean to me a lot of the time, I know that he would do anything for me. My grandparents support me to no end and love to here about everything I am doing. My aunts and uncles over the years have become my friends too. And even though all of my cousins are younger than me, ranging from 16 down to 7, all so close to me that all of them are like siblings.

I think that is why sometimes I really wish that I had not gone so far away from them when I came to college. I never wanted to be thought of as a home body and just wanted to get away from the small town that I grew up in, but I never thought about how I would feel being that far away from the people who have always been there for me and who I love so much. There are very few times at school when I have really been upset because of being homesick like when I came back for sorority recruitment during winter break freshman year. However, I think that maybe it has been an ongoing feeling of discontent that I have really never been able to place a specific reason on before. After I graduated from high school I moved 4 hours away from my home to live with my aunt and uncle outside Philadelphia where most of my dad's side of the family lives. I thought that this would be a good way to adjust being away from my mom and I really wanted to get out of town. I loved it and thought that I would be fine coming to college after that because I would have had a nice adjustment period, however, maybe to me home is where the family is. It does not matter which part of my family that is, but I really do love to be around them. I think it is extremely unique how close my family is including our extended family.

Family is something that really matters to me. I need to remember in college how important those relationships are to me and make sure to keep those ties strong so that I do not feel like something is missing in my life. I need to make sure that I do not just call my mom to talk to her everyday, but also need to make sure that I talk to my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents on a regular basis too. That is something so far that I have not been very good at. I think that it is important for my cousins to have me in their lives because at their ages they probably would love to be able to talk to their older cousin about things that they are troubled with. I need to be there to talk to them about things that they are not comfortable talking to their friends or parents about. This needs to become a priority of mine before time passes by before me and I was never there to be there for my family.

I have always felt the love and comfort that my family gives me and I want them to feel the love I have for all of them too. I cannot let the tight ball of yarn holding our family together become loose.

"And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Colossians 3:14 New International Version

What really matters.. true friends

Sometimes it is so hard to see what you have right in front of you. Is it because we are goal-seeking or is it because we always think we need to want something more?

I am so blessed in my life to have wonderful friends and the most loving family in the world. How can I not be complete content with that alone. I know that I am always trying to make more and more friends, but why do I try so hard that it causes more stress than needed. There is a difference in being friendly to people and hoping that maybe you either add a little something special to their day or that maybe they will return the kindness and trying to make them like you or hoping that they take great interest in you. The first is an act of a Christian, the second is more vain. Being a Christian means that you will go out of your way never hoping for a reward, but doing it because that is you, that is who you are. Being vain is trying to gain for your own personal interest. Both may be pleasure seeking, which is why it is sometimes hard to distinguish. However, being a Christian is much easier in the end and actually ends up being much more rewarding because instead of causing stress because your initiative to be friendly is never shot down because you are never not getting what you want out of it. If you are always looking for response to your actions than you might never be happy. One cannot control if others will reciprocate in the way you are hoping for and why should be expect them to. Who knows what is going on in their lives that would make them respond negatively.

In retrospect, I think I would be a much more satisfied person if I accept the fact that I have the best of friends from high school and college and others that I have met along the way. Why should I ever need to put so much energy into trying to form relationships with everyone? I should instead focus that energy on relationships in my life that already make me happy. If more wonderful relationships happen into my life than I will gladly reciprocate. I think that I always feel the need to be friends with the most people and have everyone like me instead of building stronger relationships with the people that share energy in a relationships.

My friends are great and many already, what more could I ask for. I have true friends.

Reflections

Every step in life can be a step forward just as easily as it could be a step back. Life would be easier if all steps were forward, but life is not easy. We need to just remember that those backward steps are simply reminders and we cannot be too frustrated by them or dwell too long on them. Every step backward needs to be followed by a step forward because once we get too far back it only becomes harder to overcome.

I think maybe by reflecting on what I have discovered this week may limit me from taking too many steps backward.

So first I must ask myself how my life has changed since I moved into my apartment?

I really think it is starting to allow me to be more myself. I feel so much less stressed being in this "safe zone" where I can actually separate from the bubble and remember all of the great qualities I have individually. It helps me to feel like the independent person that I am once again. It reminds me what it feels like to be just me and separates me from those things that are simply a part of who I am. ADPi, Wake Forest, the business school, for examples, are a part of who I am, but it is nice to feel myself away from those things. I remember that it is important to do the things I want to do instead of feeling like I need to prove myself to people. I do not need to prove to my sorority, to my professors, to my friends, to future employers anything. I just need to be myself and naturally people will like me because I really do have so much to offer. If they don't see in me what I have to show them, then I probably won't fit the part anyway.

On a similar note, I really was kind of surprised as to how I presented by storybox. I had a lot more in my notes on my note cards to see than words that came out of my mouth. I really thought I was brave enough to tell this story to a room of my peers, but it turns out that something instead of me turned off. I do not know if it was a fear of being ridiculed for the deep symbolism I was using.. band-aids covering the clear glass jar just as my ailments cover up the clarity of my life. Sometimes they made it hard for me to see what's coming next and that can be uncomfortable. Also I put a mirror in the box as a way to symbolize that I know that my identity is not formed by my health problems, but rather they make up a part of me and sometimes that is a struggle. I do not want people to see these problems of mine because I feel like people fear people who struggle, who have these "imperfections." I think that might be why I held myself back in my presentation, for fear that people would think I was crazy, especially after hearing about one classmate losing their grandfather and another talking about her experience with poor women in Honduras. I did not want to complain about my problems when in the big picture they really are so minute compared to the struggles that so many people face. I was also going to tell about in high school when I gained 25 pounds from throwing up due to my gall bladder for 2 years and then two year later I lost 25 pounds. Everyone thought that I was anorexic and talked about me behind my back making up rumors as to how I lost all of that weight. It was hard enough losing the weight by working out a lot and eating extremely healthy when most of my friends were pretty lazy and binged a lot because they still had the metabolisms to get away with that, let alone people asking me if I had a problem. I think that I did not end up sharing this with the class because I was not looking for pity from my story, I would rather focus on the better things that have come out of it and hopefully I did touch on those things enough.

I must say though, as much as I wish that no one had to experience medical issues especially at our young age, hearing other people tell about there medical problems in their stories was actually quite comforting to me. They were also surprising. When Anna told the story about her arm, I was, interestingly, both relieved and ashamed. She was the one's whose scars I had spoken about in a previous entry. I thought that the scar was from trying to commit suicide, when really it was a mark of trying to stay alive. I felt bad that I had misjudged her because I know how it feels to have people misjudge your actions and features because you have to do something "different" to support your health. I really do think that we build compassion for each other through these experiences of ours. They may be tough to go through and when you are dealing with them, it seems like they will never go away, like there are not enough forward steps to get you out, but when they do pass, you realize that you were one of the lucky ones. Some people can die in an instant and I am sure that given the chance, they would have suffered many years to be able to experience the good times that we still face even if it does comes with some pain and discomfort.

Another thing that I was so inspired by in so many of these stories was how much people's faith got them through and how much their experiences, as unpleasant as they may have been made them grow in their faith. I know that God does not want to see us suffering and does not want his children to be in pain, but maybe sometimes we just are not ready to except his miracles and he is just trying to teach us some patience before he heals. Maybe as much as we pray, we are not letting him in. Maybe we do not think we deserve his grace, just like I did not feel like I deserved the sympathy from the class.

"But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious,

Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth."
Psalm 86:15 (NKJV)

The power of Spring

With Spring I feel comes a sense of renewal, born again is our sense of self and we can make change to our life that fit this changing of season. As regrowth begins in fields of flowers and color springs out in the forests, , I suddenly feel that growth inside my spirit too. As a sense of community is felt as neighbors and friends slowly come back into existence, I feel like I myself take a new form of existence as well. I am ready to take this new energy and run with it. I will call this feeling Springness.

Before I explore too far into this Springness, let me first remark about the experiences I have undergone and the discoveries I have made about myself the past 2 weeks since I last said that I was off to a fresh start. Well, that start pretty much ran into a ditch pretty quickly into the race. I was having great trouble sleeping due to the discomfort I was in with my back and the anxiety that I faced with tests after I received a bad mark on the exam that I took the previous week. I then faced more sleep deprevation eventually resulting in my diagnosis of fibromyalgia. In the past 2 weeks I have been to the chiropractor 3 times, a counselor twice, and a rheumatologist. I have moved from a dorm room in Davis to an off campus apartment. But I think I finally figured some things it out (not all of it, but on my way).

Springness has come with the new atmosphere I have set myself in. Away from my prison cell of a dorm room, I feel like I can breathe fresh air and as it is as if a lifted a great weight off my shoulders. I feel like it will really help me to be more organized, to focus better, and be in better health with cooking my own food and having a nice bed to sleep in. As independent of a person I am, campus living was just not right for me and so many people who know me well warned me of that before I came to Wake Forest. They knew me better than I knew myself, but sometime it is harder to make judgments on your own life than it is for other people to understand its complexity. It's like watching a movie, frustrated that the characters do not make rational decisions because they cannot see what is around the corner when the audience can.

I think I need to realize that change and progress often needs to be a slow and gradual process just like the blooming of flowers and the process that nature takes as Spring comes into true season. Patience is a true virtue.

My Story Box

The past week I periodically have thought about the different stories that have burned a whole in life in good ways and in bad. I have wondered which have made a profound effect on my life, what stories have scoped me to be the person I am today? There certainly are a lot of stories that I have arisen due to my family's love for vacations and in those vacations adventures. Certainly I can see how they shaped me, but I am not sure how to shape those into a story that I could tell in a box. They are more imaginable in a grand collage or moral. A lot of my life the past 7 years has revolved around my jewelry business and I could definitely tell you a few stories about that. I could tell the class about how that created a unique life for me as I went through high school running this business and going to shows on weekends. This story could tell you about all of the interesting people I have met along the way and believe me those people have made more of a profound effect on me that I can even explain or even see the results of, but I know that in some way each of them has touched me. I could tell you that story, but I want to distinguish myself from my jewelry. I have told stories about jewelry and made jewelry such a part of me my whole life, that with this project I really wanted to focus on something else.

I want to say I did have the intentions of digging into my past and coming out with a story that would be really fun and exciting, maybe laughable, however, I think I have found the right story and to me it is really not laughable at all. I arose at this idea for a story when I was asking my mom if she could think of a story in my life that makes me the person I am today. She threw out some things that I couldn't really expand upon or did not really have strong feelings about. Then she suggested my health issues. At first, I was skeptical because I really did not want this to be focused negative energy especially with everything I have been dealing with lately. I wanted this project to be therapeutic as crafting is to me.

I realized that telling about my health might just be the therapy I need even though I think it will be a struggle. Maybe if I dig deep enough into the story I will pinpoint all of the good that have come out of it.

So I have started to collect things to put in it and just grabbing the material pieces of this story really are upsetting me. I feel like I want to cry already. As much as I know that all of these things take a tool on me, I never knew it would make me so emotionally. I am ready to see what else comes out of this.

A Fresh Start

Since last week I realize that I really need to step back and reassess. Obviously the way I am going about my life right now is not working for me, I need to go back to finding the right balance of everything. In high school I really had that balance with everything I did and I have not found it yet in college which leaves me feeling anxious a lot of times and tired and uncomfortable with my self in many ways. Friday I went to Bikram Hot Yoga and it really helped me to start thinking about where these corrections in my life needed to come in. I am going to try to go to this yoga as much as I can because maybe it can be the center core to the change I am going to instill in my life. I want to be able to find the time for me to do the things that put me at peace and make me feel accomplished and gratified. I want to gain the control that I once felt over who I was that drove me to be able to be the strong person I am. Without the balance and structure I become disorganized and that makes my life much more stressful. So, first order of business, I am going to try to get up at 6 like I used to to workout and clear my mind and prepare for the day ahead. Waking up early might be tough but the air feels so much fresher and it is so peaceful. Other goals:

1. concentrate more on when I am twirling my hair so that I can force myself to break the habit

2. go to yoga as much as possible

3. do not put toxins in my body

4. smile always

5. volunteer weekly

6. do not stress over work meaning give it my best shot and then let go

Obsessions

It is 3:30 in the morning and I should definitely have been sound a sleep a while ago, but I gave into one of my obsessions. I lie here in bed thinking why can't I just do what is right for me sometimes. When I get on a hook of something I have to have it, I am addicted so many things. It is really very frustrating having so many things that I obsess over all of the time, it makes my mind constantly wander into these obsessions. For instance, this coffee that is keeping me up right now. It is not the caffeine that makes me need coffee, it is the fact that I should not have it that I want to have it. It does weird things to me like makes my heart feel like it is going to jump out of me while I am trying to sleep and makes me kind of feel a little funky all day. So then, why not just give it up? I did and I felt great, but then I start obsessively thinking I can't have it and want it more and cannot repress myself from the habit. Then it ends up making me sick because I cannot sleep, but I will just have it compulsively without thinking-- I will make it or buy it and think that now I really have to have it cause I can't waste money. There are a lot of habits I have like this... I cannot stop twirling my hair and it actually become a huge distraction. I twirl it and the more I want to stop the more I do it. Some with food... the more I tell myself I should not eat something the more I want that thing or I will think about a food all day until I have it. Same for exercise... I like to workout in the morning because I will think about working out and it will eat at me all day until I workout even if I am feeling sick or am hurting that day. How do I stop thinking about all of these pointless things all of the time so I can focus on real things in life? Sometimes I just stand there staring, contemplating all of these things that I know I should not do, but constantly think about while twirling my hair. Wow writing this done really makes me feel like this is a problem, I mean I know its a problem. It really overwhelms my life. Do I have obsessive compulsive disorder? I would look up symptoms online, but I had to give up googling my symptoms to different things because I think I am a hypochondriac. I am scared. I want to put an end to this, maybe I should see a therapist.

One more note...

When I came to college I said to my mom, "I do not want to care about grades so much at college, I want to go and get an all around good experience and just learn and gain ideas from other people, pay attention in my classes and do my work, but not worry about the grade component because I feel like that holds me back. I just want to learn and discover what is out there and take it all in." Wake makes that so hard because everyone does care about the number so so much, and the good numbers are so hard to get. It makes it hard for me to enjoy the other stuff going on like the amazing speakers that we do bring it yet no one can even go to them because they are too busy fighting for their grades.

Big Decisions, Little Decisions

I had a case of the Monday's today filled with lots of what I would call Absent-Minded Megan Moments. They filled my childhood and have continued with me as I have grown up. Luckily they have become less and less over the years, but they still happen and I found today as frustrating and inconvenient they are and as irresponsible they make me feel, I need to embrace these moments because, maybe somewhat unfortunately, they are part of who I am. After about the 5th moment today I texted my mom and said, "It has been quite an absented-minded Megan Monday." She responded. "That is what make you so special! But I know frustrating." It is true though, I have learned to just know that even when I have these days where I am a total clutz at times or am running around everywhere wasting time because I have leaving stuff everywhere, forgetting things, that life still goes on. The next day will be better and I am not going to fail at life just because I did the wrong homework. Yeah, it sucks, and makes you feel like your whole world is falling apart and you have lost some sort of control of your life, but you know sometimes we all trip (maybe even literally). So my Monday started last night, when after the superbowl, I got an email asking about Italian homework that was due today. Homework that I thought was due the 7th (whoops that is tomorrow!, problem when you lose track of what day of the month it is), so I had to do that. Went to my sister's apartment where I sleep because my roommate wakes up too early for ROTC, but I left my keycard in my car, so i walked there and walked back. Next got to the apartment and realized I had the wrong book to do the homework, went back to my room, back to the apartment, forgot the actual key to the apartment in my car. Back and forth again. This morning in a rush so I could have time to print off my homework, I had to change my outfit 3 times because of different things I had today that I had to dress for then dropped a whole funfetti cake on myself and the floor. Mess to clean up. Could not get my loaner computer to print so had to resolve that problem and ended up late for class. Found out I did not do the right homework. Needed coffee, went to starbucks and spilled my whole nalgene bottle in line, so ran out of time to get coffee. Later made my own coffee and my suitemate spilled it all over my desk. Just one of those days. But I called my best friend from home and told her I was having one of my days and she was very excited saying, "Oh please tell me, I have not heard one of your moments in a while." Maybe just knowing that other people can get a laugh out of my day makes it alright.

(It was also great that I could hashtag my tweet with #Mondays and read about other people's days. I am not alone.)

Along with embracing this character of life, it kind of got me feeling down in another way. It made me realize this constant struggle I have to pop the bubble that I live in here at Wake. I feel this constant pressure on my shoulders. It is not even the academics though. I feel like this school holds me back from everything I could be, like people are not creative and inspirational enough. I do not mean there are not people to look up to here and who do amazing things cause honestly some people do so much here that it makes me overwhelmed to just think about what they are doing. What I mean is that so few people are reaching outside the box, they are like freaking machines. Then when they do get a break, they get wasted or something. I mean obviously not everyone, but everything around me just seems so routine. Like I think I counted 4 times in my sorority's chapter today that I thought why I am in a sorority. Like there are aspects I like and being at Wake you have to be in one pretty much to get involved and to meet people, but like what do I care about half of the stuff. I like that you can have leadership positions and plan stuff, but some of it just seems a waste. I feel like I want to be really involved in the sorority sometimes but then I step back and think of everything else I could be doing that is more worth-while instead. I feel like so many things at Wake just hold me back. I love having more of a social life in college than I had in high school, but I felt like I did so many more meaningful things in high school and so much more that I was proud of. I mean now I am getting school work done and everything obviously and that in itself is an accomplishment, but there are so many other components that shaped me before I came to college that I don't do anymore simply because I feel like I am in this bubble. I dunno?? It is very frustrating because I do not really like to think about transferring at all because there are so many great friends I have here too and I don't want to leave them. I just feel like other schools would have opportunities that would pertain to me more, I just do not really know where at this point. Maybe going abroad next semester will be really good for me.

Jealousy for the week:

People that are actually productive on the weekend with stuff besides being social and doing homework. I want to volunteer too or work somewhere or better get actually get my new website up and running.

Solution:

Make more of an effort to set aside time to do one or more of these things next weekend even if it means not going out like I am expected to.

Do you look in a puddle or jump in?

Jealousy can be a vicious enemy, an ever looming thought, a temptatious desire, a weight that burdens, a guilt, a mystery, or even an obstacle. Sometimes it is hard to even pin point jealousy- who or what you are jealous of or those who are jealous of you. It can create great tension in relationships even when you do not acknowledge the feeling. It is certainly better to recognize jealousy in order that you can make amends to deviate from those feelings and do something better with it. We all need to pay closer attention to that fact that we often are reacting toward jealous feelings. Instead of reacting to jealousy with hate, self-pity, grudge, false judgement, and detainment, we need to change our course of action. Redirect jealousy into positive action. Staring into the puddle and seeing a reflection of someone who you are unhappy with does nothing for self-betterment. If you see something in that puddle that makes you unhappy, do not just stand there, jump in and make things happen. If you are jealous of someone else's accomplishments, rather than blame them for your ill-feelings, allow them to influence you in positive ways and try to succeed yourself.

I think that I need to start to recognize my jealousies in order to make my life more satifying as well. I have started to jot down things that I am jealous of in my life and what I can do to change course...

1. I think I am envious of students who have either earned their own way through college or have earned scholarships to pay for it. I feel like I would be so proud of myself and have more respect for my own college experience. If I feel this way I should start to look for more scholarships that reflect my own accomplishments and apply for them.

2. I am jealous of people who really make an effort to reach out to others every day no matter what is going on in their own life. They will take time to listen to you even if it takes away from their own "sacred" time. I need to give more attention to m friends and family as well so that they feel like I am dedicating special time to them as well.

From now on, I will try to pay more attention to the feeling of envy and jot it down and at the end of the week I will reevaluate the situation so that I actively make my life more satisfying.

The Range of Vision

Recently as the due date for business school applications has crept up it has gotten me thinking about my career goals. I had to write an essay as to why I am choosing a business degree over other major choices and it actually got me excited about pursuing a degree in business. It made me realize that as narrow-focused as the approach to business may be and as narrow-focused as many people become in the business school do to the rigorous coursework, if you leave let yourself have just even a little bit of give, a degree in business can open up so much range in your scope of vision. It can give you the foundation to do so much.

So then I have to ask myself, has my jewelry business been narrowing my scope of vision and will it continue to? As much as I love everything is has opened up for me and I would not take back what it has done for me. It has helped me to learn so many skills in life and helped me to mature. My jewelry business has given me so many experiences in dealing with both failure and success that not many people have experienced at this point in their lives. But I also have to wonder if it has kept me from experiencing other things. It surely has taken a lot of time that I otherwise could have spent doing other worthwhile things, but would that have benefited me more. I do not know and I never will, but I do not regret the past. I just have to wonder what I should do about the future. Should I continue to spend my time trying to grow this business, to follow the dream of becoming an inspiring jewelry artist with a well-known name? or is there another calling for me? Am I limiting myself by continuing to follow this passion and by not allowing myself to follow other passions?

In the Search for Fear: Part 2

I have been trying to pay close attention to the experience I have with the feeling of fear. Instead of getting the feeling and passing it along with everything else that I must put behind me in order to move on, I have been trying to consciously put it to mind. In one case, during the reading for this class last night I noted my fear of the future. I have always known that my own future especially my own near future and what it beholds in terms of success in school and in the "real world" per say, give me some angst, and thus, I must have some fear inside of me. It is a combination of fears arising from the competition that is out there, fear of failure, fear of not doing something that will make me happy or in that case people in my personal life happy, fear of never finding the perfect love, and so on and so on. Day to day those fears influence many aspects of my life and I am highly aware of these influences. I am not alone in that fear, I see it all around me and being in that kind of environment seems to do much to cultivate even stronger anxieties, but the reading last night made me aware of a whole other fear I have of the future. I have fear for what technology will advance to in my life time and in the life time of my children. It is a fear of uncertainty. It arises from a number of questions that I ask: what new jobs will arise in the next 50+ years? if technology continues to advance faster and faster, will I even be able to keep up with it? what are the health implications that technology is placing on us? (I already know that most of my friends and relatives and maybe even myself will have cancer unless there is a miracle in the health industry and as well we will all have carpel tunnel (therefore, I suggest that anyone who is going into the medical field take a focus on hands)) What will become of our children's generation (as the access to the information we have at our finger tips is just as easily at their finger tips thus the younger and younger they start to be tempted-- into cell phones, into sex, into drugs and alcohol, into mindless conversation.. and the list goes on). In simplest form I fear the future for it is a combination of 7 billion imaginations and counting. That is scary.

In the Search for Fear: Part I

I find it difficult to specifically identify my fears. Asking myself the question, "what do I fear?" seems a very complex one to address. I know I have fear, for if I had not fear, I would have no love, no hate, no anxiety, all of which I do feel. Oddly, I do not fear my own death and never have. By no means do I have any desire to die for there are so many tasks, so many paths I have yet to take and so many experiences I have yet to have.

One fear I can specify is other people dying; especially those that I love and those that I hate. I would hate to lose those that I love, but not love to lose the ones I hate. Don't get me wrong I do not hate many; but those that I hate, I fear to lose because I feel compelled to make them better people before they die.

While on the subject of death (which may I say is an awful one to start on), I would like to note an observation I made today. I noticed a girl sitting next to me had an obtrusive scar that slashed through her wrist. It made me realize how uncomfortable I am with the idea of wishing to die. It is one thing to not fear death, a whole other to try to impose it upon yourself or someone else. One reason I do not fear it because the fear of it would hinder my ability to enjoy life. I cannot comprehend wishing death upon myself because everything in life is fluid. There is no situation that is so ugly that there is no direction to turn and all in sight is the end.

As anxious, stressed, unhappy as I could ever be, there is always something that could make me happy. Is that not logic? It seems so to me and I would like to say that I could arise at a situation in which a person would feel otherwise, but I can't. Even if I had nothing, I would have something. That something might be conversation with a stranger, a church to sit in for warm and community, a passion to turn to for activity... I know many students have taken their lives due to their own narrow-minded route to success but if they only saw the simple things that make them happy, if only they could have looked around them and seen nature, if only...

It is so sad.