Reflections

Every step in life can be a step forward just as easily as it could be a step back. Life would be easier if all steps were forward, but life is not easy. We need to just remember that those backward steps are simply reminders and we cannot be too frustrated by them or dwell too long on them. Every step backward needs to be followed by a step forward because once we get too far back it only becomes harder to overcome.

I think maybe by reflecting on what I have discovered this week may limit me from taking too many steps backward.

So first I must ask myself how my life has changed since I moved into my apartment?

I really think it is starting to allow me to be more myself. I feel so much less stressed being in this "safe zone" where I can actually separate from the bubble and remember all of the great qualities I have individually. It helps me to feel like the independent person that I am once again. It reminds me what it feels like to be just me and separates me from those things that are simply a part of who I am. ADPi, Wake Forest, the business school, for examples, are a part of who I am, but it is nice to feel myself away from those things. I remember that it is important to do the things I want to do instead of feeling like I need to prove myself to people. I do not need to prove to my sorority, to my professors, to my friends, to future employers anything. I just need to be myself and naturally people will like me because I really do have so much to offer. If they don't see in me what I have to show them, then I probably won't fit the part anyway.

On a similar note, I really was kind of surprised as to how I presented by storybox. I had a lot more in my notes on my note cards to see than words that came out of my mouth. I really thought I was brave enough to tell this story to a room of my peers, but it turns out that something instead of me turned off. I do not know if it was a fear of being ridiculed for the deep symbolism I was using.. band-aids covering the clear glass jar just as my ailments cover up the clarity of my life. Sometimes they made it hard for me to see what's coming next and that can be uncomfortable. Also I put a mirror in the box as a way to symbolize that I know that my identity is not formed by my health problems, but rather they make up a part of me and sometimes that is a struggle. I do not want people to see these problems of mine because I feel like people fear people who struggle, who have these "imperfections." I think that might be why I held myself back in my presentation, for fear that people would think I was crazy, especially after hearing about one classmate losing their grandfather and another talking about her experience with poor women in Honduras. I did not want to complain about my problems when in the big picture they really are so minute compared to the struggles that so many people face. I was also going to tell about in high school when I gained 25 pounds from throwing up due to my gall bladder for 2 years and then two year later I lost 25 pounds. Everyone thought that I was anorexic and talked about me behind my back making up rumors as to how I lost all of that weight. It was hard enough losing the weight by working out a lot and eating extremely healthy when most of my friends were pretty lazy and binged a lot because they still had the metabolisms to get away with that, let alone people asking me if I had a problem. I think that I did not end up sharing this with the class because I was not looking for pity from my story, I would rather focus on the better things that have come out of it and hopefully I did touch on those things enough.

I must say though, as much as I wish that no one had to experience medical issues especially at our young age, hearing other people tell about there medical problems in their stories was actually quite comforting to me. They were also surprising. When Anna told the story about her arm, I was, interestingly, both relieved and ashamed. She was the one's whose scars I had spoken about in a previous entry. I thought that the scar was from trying to commit suicide, when really it was a mark of trying to stay alive. I felt bad that I had misjudged her because I know how it feels to have people misjudge your actions and features because you have to do something "different" to support your health. I really do think that we build compassion for each other through these experiences of ours. They may be tough to go through and when you are dealing with them, it seems like they will never go away, like there are not enough forward steps to get you out, but when they do pass, you realize that you were one of the lucky ones. Some people can die in an instant and I am sure that given the chance, they would have suffered many years to be able to experience the good times that we still face even if it does comes with some pain and discomfort.

Another thing that I was so inspired by in so many of these stories was how much people's faith got them through and how much their experiences, as unpleasant as they may have been made them grow in their faith. I know that God does not want to see us suffering and does not want his children to be in pain, but maybe sometimes we just are not ready to except his miracles and he is just trying to teach us some patience before he heals. Maybe as much as we pray, we are not letting him in. Maybe we do not think we deserve his grace, just like I did not feel like I deserved the sympathy from the class.

"But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious,

Longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth."
Psalm 86:15 (NKJV)