In the Search for Fear: Part I

I find it difficult to specifically identify my fears. Asking myself the question, "what do I fear?" seems a very complex one to address. I know I have fear, for if I had not fear, I would have no love, no hate, no anxiety, all of which I do feel. Oddly, I do not fear my own death and never have. By no means do I have any desire to die for there are so many tasks, so many paths I have yet to take and so many experiences I have yet to have.

One fear I can specify is other people dying; especially those that I love and those that I hate. I would hate to lose those that I love, but not love to lose the ones I hate. Don't get me wrong I do not hate many; but those that I hate, I fear to lose because I feel compelled to make them better people before they die.

While on the subject of death (which may I say is an awful one to start on), I would like to note an observation I made today. I noticed a girl sitting next to me had an obtrusive scar that slashed through her wrist. It made me realize how uncomfortable I am with the idea of wishing to die. It is one thing to not fear death, a whole other to try to impose it upon yourself or someone else. One reason I do not fear it because the fear of it would hinder my ability to enjoy life. I cannot comprehend wishing death upon myself because everything in life is fluid. There is no situation that is so ugly that there is no direction to turn and all in sight is the end.

As anxious, stressed, unhappy as I could ever be, there is always something that could make me happy. Is that not logic? It seems so to me and I would like to say that I could arise at a situation in which a person would feel otherwise, but I can't. Even if I had nothing, I would have something. That something might be conversation with a stranger, a church to sit in for warm and community, a passion to turn to for activity... I know many students have taken their lives due to their own narrow-minded route to success but if they only saw the simple things that make them happy, if only they could have looked around them and seen nature, if only...

It is so sad.